"Just as you are?" Is it true? Why would the God of the Universe reach down to take hold of a heart that can never seem to let go of the past? The good thing is every time I think I have somehow been able to hide those things that I am ashamed of, Satan is right there pulling them out of the closet of my soul, one tape at a time. Like a scavenger, he takes the junk out of the closet and cloaks my brain with the shame and the humiliation of things gone by. The tapes, which are nothing new, are dusted off and run again as if this is something I have not heard before. Loser, piece of crap, low life, scumbag, you'll never amount to anything, hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite, loser, loser, loser, loser, piece of crap, piece of crap, and of course my favorite "just kill yourself." Not that I can on an intellectual level give these thoughts any credence, but on an emotional level, there are times that it is so clear, it's as if there is someone right next to me arguing me into these lies as truth.
So I ask the question again, "Just as you are?" Why would the God of the universe reach down and take hold of a heart that can never seem to let go of the past? So how do I meld the intellectual with the emotional? How do I put the objective truth from God's word into a soul that has been polluted by years of lies. In other words, whom do I believe, the dusty tapes or the new creature that Jesus has been trying to raise? Am I only as good as my last day on Earth? Does the consistency of all the weeks of decency go out the window with the obscenity of one day?
Truth is, God is not done weaving the fabric of my life. And the Good News is He does not lie. Satan lies. Jesus told me to come to Him when I am heavy burdened and He will give me rest. So today, I call out to Him and remind Him of this promise. It is my hope that after some rest in His arms I will find my "happy place" once again. Until then I will praise Him for this time in the desert.
P.S. A little note to follow up on this. I wrote this over two months ago, and didn't post it because I was temporarily afraid that I was going to be like that all the time! I decided to post this now because this was nothing more than a moment in my life, and during this period I learned a few things about myself. One of which is that I have an infinite capacity for distracting myself from the obvious. You would think that after all those years of ignoring God that somehow I would learn that pain and anxiety were His ways of getting my attention, but when you are in the middle of it, a round of golf seems to put a band-aid on it, for a while. Movies, music, etc. all apply some kind of band-aid to the soul that aches, in the end, "every knee will bow." I felt like a schizoid, this is why I love the Psalms, David is my kind of guy. I don't want to belabor the point; I am happy to say that Jesus does not lie, and after weeks of seeking after Him, thirsting for His presence, I have found comfort, for today anyway. Peace. Jeff