Jeff Allen's Weblog

Luke Global Warming

Well I feel so much better today about the future of our planet. After the weekend Rock concerts to save our planet from cooking itself, I slept so much better.  The funniest thing about the concerts was the paradoxical nature of the people in the audience having the time of their lives, whilst the doom and gloom messages scrolled behind the artists. Come on, if people really believed this crap I don’t think they would have enjoyed the weekend so much. This whole thing is some kind of Marx type training program for the next generation; hence all the cartoon advertisements, as if they have given up on converting any rational thinking human, and are going straight for the moron who gets all his science from a cartoon. I.e. the average eight-year-old.

I know that sounds a little cold hearted, which could be the solution to Global Warming. Maybe we need to be a little more cold hearted and a lot less gullible. Perhaps we can get enough cold hearts and cool this planet off. Maybe the problem is not the SUV’s but all these warm fuzzy propaganda pieces coming out of Hollywood.

I enjoyed Bon Jovi, but I admittedly had a hard time connecting anything he did with a solution to any dilemma the planet may be going through. I am less worried about New York drowning from a melting Polar ice cap that I am of New York drowning in a sea of irrelevance.

Jeff

P.S. These are the ramblings of the artist, and have nothing to do with the opinion of my warm hearted webmaster.

The Green, Green Grass of Home

I am having a hard time with this turning the other cheek thing. I am also having a hard time praying for my enemies, because right now I want a heaping pile of burning coals to land on their pinheads. Of course, I am speaking of Chemlawn. I paid them $200 a few months ago to kill my weeds and I noticed the only thing taller than my weeds were the telephone poles outside my back door.

Never thought about how close those things were; could this be why my hair is falling out? No, it’s because Chemlawn didn’t spray the Round-up they said they did. Because if they did, my dogs would not be covered in tics and I wouldn’t be covered in poison ivy. I spent the last three days on the telephone with the manager from Tru Green Chemlawn and he couldn’t be more apathetic about my weed problem.

Are you kidding me!!!? How can a lawn guy, a man who has dedicated his life to lawn care not be concerned? The only thing that I can think of is that this man is an impostor. That’s right, a pretender, a bureaucrat; probably has weeds in his own yard. Not my problem, all I know is I am out $200, not counting the $42 for poison ivy kits and tic baths for the dogs. The good news is, I was going to use them for the fall and obviously have decided against that. For now I will turn the other cheek and pray for them. And tell every other human being that I come in contact with not to use their services until they get someone who really cares about lawn care. Until then, I will care for my own lawn.

Here's hoping the grass is greener where you are.
Jeff

Climbing Mt. Everest

Boy is it nice to be home again. For the past two weeks I have been climbing Mt. Everest. It has been an exhilarating couple of weeks. Now I am ready to resume my four-hour work week. I have received a couple of emails wondering what had happened to me, fortunately nothing. I did have to wrestle a couple of wild animals for my Cheetos, but it was a small price to pay for the view on the summit.

Anyway, will be heading out for Atlanta tomorrow, but before I leave Nashville I am going to get my vital organs scanned. For a hypochondriac like myself, this is both exhilarating as well as nerve-wracking, sort of like climbing Mt. Everest. To prepare for this, I had a dozen or so fried chicken fingers and the remaining Cheetos, (the ones that didn’t have lion spit on them). I figured, after they notice the big gob of butter sitting in my aorta, they are going to remove everything I like from my diet. Anyway, enough about my clogged arteries, I don’t know if you received the email that I am taping a film on June 23rd and 24th in Nashville. Hopefully this will get me the Academy Award that I have been longing for.

As I write this, the U.S. Open is on TV twenty hours a day, so I guess it is a good thing that Buttercup is out of town. I hope my bed sores don’t show up on the heart scan, it could cause a problem in the ‘splainin’ department. I have to go now, I have used up my quota of words for today. See you in Atlanta or Nashville. Provided I can get past Bonnaroo traffic.

God’s Blessings,
Jeff

P.S. I didn’t actually climb Mt. Everest. As if I had to say that. It had just come to my attention that some of you, and you know who you are, think I only work four hours a week. If that were the case, I would have to find another job, I could never work that much. Peace.