Jeff Allen's Weblog

On the Road with the Apostles of Comedy

Just finished our Apostles of Comedy show in Tulsa and are in the bus headed south to Houston. Sitting in the back of the bus with the boys and discussing the stuff in the show that went well and what did not go so well. This is a work-in-progress and creatively it is a joy to work with people who work their craft as hard as I do. I will say this: Brad had so much Red Bull tonight he is actually running along side of the bus. We equipped him with his own GPS, he believes he can beat us to Houston. I will write more tomorrow, I am going to get some shut eye.

Hope to see you all on the road.
God Bless.

Post-Election Predictions

Well, normally I blog on Tuesday, but I wanted to wait until after the election to make my predictions. I think Barack Obama will win and win big. (Whew, I am glad I got that off my chest.)

I know that wasn’t too difficult to predict, made easier by doing it the day after he actually won big. As most of you know, I try to stay away from talking about politics on my website but I figure if there is a time to write something political it would be the day after the Presidential election.

Having been invited four years ago to participate in an inaugural gala for President Bush makes it highly unlikely that Barack’s people will call my people and ask me to join in the celebration this time around. Well that’s enough politics.

I am looking forward to the Apostles of Comedy tour starting in Chandler, Arizona next week. My fellow Apostles and I have been doing a media blitz for over three months, announcing the release of our movie and the kickoff of our tour. The irony in all this is, “Joe the Plumber” is more famous than any of us Apostles. You know, if Barack Obama really wanted to help the downtrodden, he could have stopped in at my house and let me ask a few questions.

The first one I would have asked is “Where the heck is the political center?” I keep hearing how he needs to govern from the center, but that only makes sense if you know where the middle is. Perhaps you, the reader, can help me out in that. I can guarantee you that Al Franken’s view of where the political center is, is way to the left of where I think the political center is. So let me know; what issue defines the center for you?

Anyway, the beauty of America is that so many people can have differing opinions on serious issues and still have dinner together. So take someone who disagrees with you out for a cup of “Joe” this week and have a civil discussion about something you vehemently disagree on, like who is going to win Dancing with the Stars. I can’t believe they got rid of Cloris Leachman, but I digress.

It is my opinion that this is the only way that America will ever come together as a nation, the media and our elected officials have no desire whatsoever of seeing a politically united America. Besides, it may be the only way conservatives will be able to express themselves after the Fairness Doctrine is implemented. Not that our government would ever try to stifle political discourse.

If there was ever a reason to shelve the Fairness Doctrine it would be after this election, obviously the American people can think their way around talk radio.

Here is a thought, maybe John Kerry and Al Gore lost their elections because, well... they were John Kerry and Al Gore.

God Bless America

Reflections on Spandex

It is Tuesday, or what I like to call Blog Day, in the Allen home. It’s not that I find blogging a chore; that designation is confined to anything Tami would like me to do. No, this is more like something like going to the grocery store; I never look forward to it, but once I get there, I find all kinds of goodies that made the trip worthwhile.  Make sense?  The problem I have with this blogging thing is I never know what to write about. Those of you who know me, know I suffer from ADHD, so my brain is constantly humming along, never stopping for more than a glance at anything of importance to the rest of the world. Heck, it’s not even important to me most times. Obviously, when the words, “watch out for that semi truck” zip through my skull, it becomes fairly important, but when the words, “I can’t believe that person would leave the house wearing those clothes,” darts through my cranium, it really isn’t worth sharing with you, the reader. Except in this case.

A couple of days ago I was driving to the grocery store. I do most of my thinking when I am driving. So my brain is humming along, the usual thoughts are buzzing in and out: “It looks like rain.” “I didn’t know their house was up for sale.” “Gee I wonder if I am too old to take up pole vaulting.” Etc. Then out of the corner of my eye I spot a man on a bicycle. He looked to be about my age. I didn’t think much of it, until I noticed that he was covered head to toe in spandex!

You’d think with all the laws that our government has passed in this country restricting human behavior,  they would have gotten around to putting restrictions on who should be allowed to wear spandex in public. 

It came upon me so quick that I could not react in time to do anything about it, but the more I dwelled upon this, I began to wonder if the man himself even knew how ridiculous he looked. It’s really sad when you think about it. You have to know there are thousands of folks who don’t have people in their lives who tell them the truth. I have seen men in toupees that looked like road kill, and you just know they have no one to tell them. So it is with this man. I can’t tell you how much this has haunted me. (As a follower of Christ, I believe that this “haunting,” as with many other “hauntings” in my life, are from the Holy Spirit, the counselor that Jesus told me would come to guide me through this life.)  As with all dealings with the counselor I ask, “What would you have me do?”  So here is what I have been given. Take it or leave it, but it has allowed me to put these awful images behind me. (You got to have a plan)

The next time I see a man my age in spandex on a bicycle, I am running him into a ditch. You know, to get his attention. (In a Christian loving way, of course)

After I get his attention, I will then ask him if he has a mirror in his home. This may be the problem - with no mirror, he can’t possibly see how mind-numbingly ridiculous he looks.  But if he says he has a mirror, and he knowingly went out in public like that, then I will volunteer to be his true friend, you know the one who tells him the truth in all circumstances despite his feelings.

Then again, maybe the problem with me and spandex is my problem not his.... Naw! Now if you will excuse me, I need to get to the Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of mirrors before it gets dark.

Something Big in the Air

I was informed the other day that it has been since November of last year that I have written a blog post. My how time flies! I also believe this was after I promised everyone in my life I was going to be more diligent about letting my fans know what was going on in my life and career. To say that nothing has been going on would be a lie, but to remember all that has gone on would be a stretch. Therefore, I will deal with more recent history. My Cubs and White Sox both were in the playoffs this year. Possibly setting up what some would consider one of the signs of the Apocalypse. (A White Sox-Cub World Series.) It would have at least settled one of the fifty year arguments I have been having with my friend Corbin. Who’s better the Cubs or Sox? The other argument is over a whiffle ball game, but I don’t have the time to go into the details of that. Suffice it to say I am correct in stating that the ball was a home run,  but I digress.

Not only did the Cubs and Sox lose, but it was so quick, that the beef I ordered from Portillo’s got here two days after they were ousted. The good thing is that it looks as though the Apocalypse will be delayed indefinitely. Well, at least there is the Titans.
I can’t get it out of my head that something big is going on this November and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something political I think. Anyway, if it comes to me I will wax philosophically on it. I hope it’s not a Presidential election. I have been forbidden to talk about those things.

I can say this: 2008 will go down in history as the year that objective journalism finally died. Everyone I listen to for information has apparently picked a team and all objectivity has gone out the window. If I was allowed to talk about things political, I would say something about how I am getting the impression that these people in D.C. don’t give a whit about us, the people. I know that I am praying for all our leaders, praying that something that resembles humility would fall upon them from the heavens.

I have to say after the bailout, one would think that the people who were responsible for this would have at least feigned hanging their collect heads in shame. Instead, we were witnesses to a celebration in front of the congressional building as if they won the World Series. I am only guessing but ripping off the taxpayers to the tune of a trillion dollars should not be a cause for celebration; it should be at least a time for some humility and at least one apology from someone in the government. Nothing, Nada, zip, zilch from anyone in charge. So I have decided to take responsibility for the collapse of our economy. Someone has too, so why not me?

I am soooooooo sorry. Please forgive me.

There I feel better. You know, that wasn’t really that difficult. I wonder why it is so hard for our “public servants?”

What are your thoughts and feelings on these topics?  I’d love to know your thoughts. You can share them by clicking on “comments” below.

The Ultimate Gift

Happy Thanksgiving folks! I am sitting in the Houston airport once again pondering the meaning of life. Really, if it’s not a McDonald’s sausage biscuit what is it then? I have just finished a month long run of various Churches and fund raisers and am looking forward to getting home for the Thanksgiving and then Christmas holidays. I was in Conroe, Texas last night and ran into a couple of my comedian brethren at the show. It was nice to see them. I rarely get a chance to see other comics at my shows, because they themselves are usually working, but not so on a Monday night in Texas.

I hope this note finds you guys well and in good spirits for the coming month of what unfortunately in America has become one of the most stressful times of the year. I have made a conscious decision this year to put my time and resources into helping out the less fortunate, which, when I last checked, is no one in my immediate family.

I have already told my children that this year we will be buying a cow or a goat or some chickens for a village in Nicaragua and I will be doing it in their name. (If you would like to do something like this, you can click on this World Vision link and go from there). It is a great way to help someone and, in my case, keep from clogging the landfills of America with more junk that my kids will throw away. Doesn’t mean they won’t be getting underwear from their Mom and Dad, which always thrills them.

I would also like to ask you to search your heart and see if sponsoring a child in Nicaragua is something that you would like to give to a family member or something you and your children would like to do. It is $30/month well spent.

Last year, Tami and I gave two children to my sister in law for Christmas, and it is teaching their children that God’s love goes through them and expands to the other side of the world. Trust me when I tell you that our trip to see what World Vision does for the widows and orphans of this world changed Tami and me in very profound ways. First and foremost, the amount of gratitude that we experienced in Nicaragua for what they perceived as a great sacrifice on our part was overwhelming.

Because we really know how comparatively little we do for them. It is the World Vision volunteers that do all the real work. I tell a few jokes and send a few bucks down there, which then World Vision takes and, with the aid of the Holy Spirit, delivers something that a government cannot deliver, and that is Hope, Dignity and Self Respect, to a segment of the world that had no dignity, self respect and lived a hopeless existence. In other words, a miracle.

If God has blessed you financially and this is something that you might be interested in, please click on this World Vision link and check it out. I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

God’s Peace be with you.

Jeff

Lying Around with Barry Bonds

Just sitting here in the Atlanta airport... which in and of itself is not unusual, because to be perfectly honest with you I sit more in airports during the course of a year than I do in my living room. I should make a footnote here, but I am not going to be that long. The footnote is, that my living room is not necessarily where my wife and I spend our time; we remodeled the basement after our youngest moved out, and that is where we spend the crux of our time. But even if I use that as a measure of sitting time, it is a very close second to the airport.

I know my fans, and I know you are waiting for me to weigh in on the Barry Bonds controversy. I have to admit I am shocked to find out that a professional athlete cheated, and then lied about it. They want to clean up professional sports?  How's about starting with a third grade classroom? They can't even get third graders to stop cheating on their math tests, let alone athletes with millions on the line to stop cheating. We teach children the Orwellian newspeak, and take out words like ethical, moral, principal, and my personal favorite, discriminate, and wonder why they grow up to be none of those things.

I don't want this to turn into one of those things where I make a "value judgment" on Mr. Bonds, but I would like to know what happened to his legal defense. I know from watching C-Span that whenever you are under oath, amnesia works. "I don't know" is the proper response to every question asked whilst you are under oath. What pinhead actually denies anything under oath? Apparently Barry Bonds. So not only has he lost the respect of the fans, he may actually go to jail for perjury.

Since when did lying become against the law, anyway? Isn't that a "value judgment?" Really, read any leading academic today, and he or she will tell you that there is no such thing as truth - and all ethics are situational.

What will we tell our school children about this? Even more perplexing is how does little Joey process lying in his newspeak brain? 

Every one knew that Bonds was doing steroids; but the league waited until he broke Aaron's record to finish the investigation - which took four years and millions of dollars. One thing can be said about lawyers, they are nothing if not slow. At five hundred dollars an hour, I do believe that I would be taking my time also.

In defense of Barry Bonds, Balco could have pumped me full of HGH for twenty years, and I don't think I could have fouled off a major league curve ball - let alone knock it out of the park. I think the solution to this, if they are not going to teach children, who, I am told, are our future adults, that there is such a thing as cheating, and it is wrong, then they should just draw a line in the record book, pre-anabolic steroids and post-anabolic steroids, and be done with it.

Navel Academy

I started jogging, today for the two hundredth time in my life. I always seem to go back to running when I am feeling sluggish and fat. Not that I mind feeling those things - as evidenced by the weeks I felt that way and did nothing about it.

I don't need to get into the cycles, or patterns, of my life, but it seems to be the way it goes with me. I get to feeling really good about myself physically... and then just quit doing whatever it was that I was doing. Eventually, I get where I had been for most of the summer, and that is lying in bed every morning picking lint out of the ever deepening crevice of my navel and telling myself I've got to start running to eliminate the flab.

Then I get up, drive to the local mini-mart, get me a bucket of Diet Coke and a Krispy Kreme, enjoy the donut for about thirty seconds after the lard lands in my stomach, and then am overwhelmed with guilt because somewhere inside me is the voice of God telling me "This can't be good for you."  Then I start singing from my favorite Broadway musical, "Tomorrow, Tomorrow...." (Does that make me gay?)

I am sure some of you have been grossed beyond reading any farther than the lint in the  navel thing, but for those of you who have somehow managed to read on and still hold down your Krispy Kreme, this is how I judge my weight. My wife does it by clothing size. I don't like doing that because the clothes manufacturers have caught on. What used to be a size eight, is now a size six.

Some people judge their weight by how large their waistline is. That doesn't work because most men will redefine where there waist is. I have known guys who can't see their feet because of the mass protruding from their midsection and pronounced, "Still a thirty two waist, same as I was in High School." I guess I would be a thirty two waist also if I hung my pants around my kneecaps. Wonder what kind of pant selection there is in the 32" waist / 8" length department?

This is why I use the navel; it is stationary and hard to ignore. Have you ever been in a building that survived a flood, such as a restaurant, where they drew lines on the walls showing the varying depths of the flood waters? I have pretty much marked my index finger the same way. I know how deep my navel can get before I am out of tomorrows. So I ran today, or at my age, I kind of walked fast. All I know is I am finishing here and going to get me the other half of the Krispy Kreme I didn't finish this morning.

Blessings,
Jeff

Just As You Are?

"Just as you are?" Is it true? Why would the God of the Universe reach down to take hold of a heart that can never seem to let go of the past? The good thing is every time I think I have somehow been able to hide those things that I am ashamed of, Satan is right there  pulling them out of the closet of my soul, one tape at a time. Like a scavenger, he takes the junk out of the closet and cloaks my brain with the shame and the humiliation of things gone by. The tapes, which are nothing new, are dusted off and run again as if this is something I have not heard before.  Loser, piece of crap, low life, scumbag, you'll never amount to anything, hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite, loser, loser, loser, loser, piece of crap, piece of crap, and of course my favorite "just kill yourself." Not that I can on an intellectual level give these thoughts any credence, but on an emotional level, there are times that it is so clear, it's as if there is someone right next to me arguing me into these lies as truth.

So I ask the question again, "Just as you are?" Why would the God of the universe reach down and take hold of a heart that can never seem to let go of the past? So how do I meld the intellectual with the emotional? How do I put the objective truth from God's word into a soul that has been polluted by years of lies. In other words, whom do I believe, the dusty tapes or the new creature that Jesus has been trying to raise? Am I only as good as my last day on Earth? Does the consistency of all the weeks of decency go out the window with the obscenity of one day?

Truth is, God is not done weaving the fabric of my life. And the Good News is He does not lie. Satan lies. Jesus told me to come to Him when I am heavy burdened and He will give me rest. So today, I call out to Him and remind Him of this promise. It is my hope that after some rest in His arms I will find my "happy place" once again. Until then I will praise Him for this time in the desert. 

       Blessings.
       Jeff

P.S. A little note to follow up on this. I wrote this over two months ago, and didn't post it because I was temporarily afraid that I was going to be like that all the time! I decided to post this now because this was nothing more than a moment in my life, and during this period I learned a few things about myself. One of which is that I have an infinite capacity for distracting myself from the obvious. You would think that after all those years of ignoring God that somehow I would learn that pain and anxiety were His ways of getting my attention, but when you are in the middle of it, a round of golf seems to put a band-aid on it, for a while. Movies, music, etc. all apply some kind of band-aid to the soul that aches, in the end, "every knee will bow." I felt like a schizoid, this is why I love the Psalms, David is my kind of guy.  I don't want to belabor the point; I am happy to say that Jesus does not lie, and after weeks of seeking after Him, thirsting for His presence, I have found comfort, for today anyway.  Peace. Jeff

Luke Global Warming

Well I feel so much better today about the future of our planet. After the weekend Rock concerts to save our planet from cooking itself, I slept so much better.  The funniest thing about the concerts was the paradoxical nature of the people in the audience having the time of their lives, whilst the doom and gloom messages scrolled behind the artists. Come on, if people really believed this crap I don’t think they would have enjoyed the weekend so much. This whole thing is some kind of Marx type training program for the next generation; hence all the cartoon advertisements, as if they have given up on converting any rational thinking human, and are going straight for the moron who gets all his science from a cartoon. I.e. the average eight-year-old.

I know that sounds a little cold hearted, which could be the solution to Global Warming. Maybe we need to be a little more cold hearted and a lot less gullible. Perhaps we can get enough cold hearts and cool this planet off. Maybe the problem is not the SUV’s but all these warm fuzzy propaganda pieces coming out of Hollywood.

I enjoyed Bon Jovi, but I admittedly had a hard time connecting anything he did with a solution to any dilemma the planet may be going through. I am less worried about New York drowning from a melting Polar ice cap that I am of New York drowning in a sea of irrelevance.

Jeff

P.S. These are the ramblings of the artist, and have nothing to do with the opinion of my warm hearted webmaster.

The Green, Green Grass of Home

I am having a hard time with this turning the other cheek thing. I am also having a hard time praying for my enemies, because right now I want a heaping pile of burning coals to land on their pinheads. Of course, I am speaking of Chemlawn. I paid them $200 a few months ago to kill my weeds and I noticed the only thing taller than my weeds were the telephone poles outside my back door.

Never thought about how close those things were; could this be why my hair is falling out? No, it’s because Chemlawn didn’t spray the Round-up they said they did. Because if they did, my dogs would not be covered in tics and I wouldn’t be covered in poison ivy. I spent the last three days on the telephone with the manager from Tru Green Chemlawn and he couldn’t be more apathetic about my weed problem.

Are you kidding me!!!? How can a lawn guy, a man who has dedicated his life to lawn care not be concerned? The only thing that I can think of is that this man is an impostor. That’s right, a pretender, a bureaucrat; probably has weeds in his own yard. Not my problem, all I know is I am out $200, not counting the $42 for poison ivy kits and tic baths for the dogs. The good news is, I was going to use them for the fall and obviously have decided against that. For now I will turn the other cheek and pray for them. And tell every other human being that I come in contact with not to use their services until they get someone who really cares about lawn care. Until then, I will care for my own lawn.

Here's hoping the grass is greener where you are.
Jeff